I grew so close to all the thoughts I had to leave forever

What’s happening world? So I turned 30 recently, Sunday the 8th actually. I feel as if society doesn’t accept Tom Foolery from a 30 year old, well I got news for them… Tom is very much alive in me still..(No, not Tom Riddle)? There is so much going on in my life as of late all the way from a new job, house hunting and finally figuring out what you want to do. To the younger readers, yes it really does take years to figure out what you want to be doing for the rest of your life. Actually I’d say you are very lucky if you find out what you want to do for the rest of your life. I wouldn’t necessarily say I’ve found it, but I have found something that I like to do and have a good time doing it at this point in my life.  It’s a hard question to ask people, because it’s an opinion/subjective to the individual you’re asking. Some people are chasing money, some people are chasing “happiness”, and some are chasing whatever can get them on to the next day.  Moral of the story here is that I am finally at peace with what I do and it’s been a helluva run to this point and it feels good to sit back and relax at, but I am not done. With every job you should be seeking advancement somewhere/somehow. It’s on the back burner at all times for me. In time it’ll happen. I refuse to not work my ass off till I get to the point to where I want, however I understand the waiting game behind it.

When I thought about writing tonight there were a few things in my head. Some of the main things I thought about when trying to really pin point this blog was…new experiences, memories, songs, friends and just some other random stuff.  One of my favorite movies sort of inspired me when this blog came in to mind. “Goodwill Hunting” ever heard of it? Stars Robin Williams and Matt Damon…great fucking movie! Robin Williams and his park bench scene is iconic when it comes to cinematography. Give it a watch –> Goodwill Hunting Park Scene , especially if you’ve never seen the movie. I strongly urge you to see it. It’s a movie that brings clarity to some aspect of your life even if you weren’t quite looking for it. Not to mention it just may be the best 5 minutes of cinema ever recorded. That’s just my opinion.  So it’s November now, the temperatures are starting to drop, the Browns are right on schedule for sucking ass and the Buckeyes are getting ready to play Michigan before too long. Thanksgiving is right around the corner and Christmas isn’t too far off itself. The department stores surely aren’t letting you forget it.  You know certain parts of the year really have the ability to remind you of things. The changing of the weather, the different smells in the air, the early onset of darkness reminds me of some of the greatest times in my life.  It’s this time of the year that you rarely, but occasionally will smell that last cut of grass before our lawns are covered with snow.  You guys ever notice that there is grass smell from mowing and then there is the smell of grass/leaves? Damn..I love it! For whatever reason it reminds me of home. I’d consider it the official smell of Collins,Ohio if I could. It’d be that or it’d be the smell of soybean and/or field corn being transported from combine to grain wagon.  This is shit you can’t learn from a book, you can’t learn from a video on YouTube. The only way you know what this smell is by the simple fact of at some point some where in your life you’ve been there. I don’t know why these two smells have had such a strong impact on my life, but they have.  As far as this time of year goes it is somewhat depressing, yet exciting in other aspects.  Every year around this time our Football season was coming to a dramatic ending and Basketball was about to begin. If you weren’t in Basketball the Weight-room was your hangout for the next 4mo’s and you were completely okay with that. Your friends were your family. I’d go to School till 3:45, Weightroom till 6:15’ish, go home eat supper, do homework..repeat. It’s all you knew for about 2-3 years. When you really think about it the 2-3 years is nothing. Those 2-3 however make/break people. There has been 10 years since then so why can’t I remember these years as clearly as I do those 2-3? My head Football coach always told me it will soon all be a blur…none of us believed him. I am under the assumption you cannot make any little shit head high schooler believe that though.  What do you know? Coach Stoll was exactly right.  Looking back on it, it really was a blur. However, I remember it like it was yesterday.  I know you’re not supposed to live in the past, but god damnit don’t forget the times that molded you.

This time of year I tend to lean heavily upon music I grew up on. NoFx, Bad Religion, Less Than Jake, Blink 182, Rise Against, Anti-Flag, Taking Back Sunday, The Descendents and The Dropkick Murphy’s. Damn, I could go on and on about these fellas here.  Most of all stuff I can relate to. A simple line of lyrics can hook me for a week just on a particular song.  There are a few bands that have the ability to completely steal all of my attention at any point. Modest Mouse, Blink 182, Angels & Airwaves, Rise Against just to name a few.  Damn, these bands have some songs that can speak to me like no other.  You know when your speaking music it’s crazy the memories that the song can bring up.  Most of the memories don’t even include the bands I mentioned here.  I am 10 years out of high school and can’t listen to a Bon Jovi song without thinking of my friend Ravin playing the drums at our Homecoming bonfire.  I can’t listen to Blink 182 without thinking of my Sophomore year study hall mid-day without thinking of 2 people in particular. Every time I hear “Please Play This Song On The Radio” by NoFx I think of my friend Brittany and riding in her old Ford Escort on some random back road in Collins Ohio.  I could go on and on. “Los Angeles Is Burning” by Bad Religion…My Buddy Andy and I were playing NCAA in my basement at my Dads non-stop. He was supposed to be going to College at the time, but there was NCAA to be played. We played for hours…we didn’t care about a thing in the world besides that.  Anytime I hear a Boxcar Racer song I think of riding in my buddies Ford Ranger going to his g/f’s house at the time.  I can’t fathom how much music actually does for me. It just speaks to me in so many ways that I can’t speak about, but it’s a beautiful connection. If you’ve never been able to honestly feel the music, I wish that someday a song will move you.  You know as we get older here it’s actually really weird that at one point we at least acted like we cared for one another.  It felt really genuine at the time, but as I get older I often question it’s authenticity.  It seems as if it was a more than a here and now ordeal to get on to the next day. Am I dick for saying? I don’t particularly care anymore.  It turns out “true” and “honest” friendships are very much a temporary thing in your life.  Five years ago I could spout off 10 people that I’d want standing next to me on my wedding day. It’d be hard to get five now, i’d manage to get five additional because of the people I “know”, but they could care less as to why you’re getting married. Nobody today takes the time to talk to you with sincerity, it’s actually somewhat of a joke. Perhaps I am just being extremely negative tonight, but these feelings have been around for several years now so I am not so sure as to how fake they actually are?  I am semi-excited to move out east come January just to see who will remain. I mean for fuck sake we had two of our best friends in town this Saturday and multiple people were mere miles away and didn’t even show up. Some showed up and left without even saying goodbye, well from me to you guys “You can go kindly fuck yourself”. Some didn’t even show up..from me to you guys ” You can literally go fuck yourself”.  Perhaps I should stop writing for the night or perhaps you should just start being better friends or perhaps things will continue and we’ll just pretend they don’t (like we do now).  HAHA it really is what it is. I say this because we all continue to do exactly what we (or what your wife) want to do.  We don’t question one another to harshly (even though some of us should), we don’t even ask one another how are week is going (even though I’d we’d love someone to talk to about it) and last but not least…we don’t even think about asking one another how things are going. I would apologize for my negative post here, but I would actually never do that. I wish more people would learn how to voice their opinion whether it be in actual conversation or via journal (or blog). We all have inconsistencies in everyday life and most of us could learn from one another, but until we learn to communicate with one another it’ll never happen.  This is negative Nancy..over and out!

“If life’s not beautiful without the pain,
well I’d just rather never ever even see beauty again.
Well as life gets longer, awful feels softer.
And it feels pretty soft to me.”


Remember these are the words of me, the words of I, and the words of everything I previously have known.

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