Every time you think you’re talking you’re just moving your mouth

“Standing in the tall grass
Thinking nothing
You know we need oxygen to breath”

So I went to Clearwater, Florida the 15th of February and returned the 20th of February. It was quite chilly down there. Like seriously I wore khakis and a sweatshirt all week. Fuck my life right? Granite it’s disappointing I would’ve never had the opportunity to see just how much the sand there resembles sugar. It’s white and finer than any sand I’ve ever had the opportunity of feeling run through my fingers and toes. The beach front goes for miles and the width of the beach itself is in a league of its own, about the width of a Football field.  This is something I don’t get to see often, so basically it’s something that is as intriguing as it gets for me.  I have always been one to look for things that are different from my neck of the woods.  If we are not constantly seeking something different we are being stagnant in which I cannot do.  I know I haven’t done anything to prove this otherwise, but can you not feel it? Can you not feel it when you start becoming nothing more than what you do day and out?

It has been several weeks since I’ve visited Florida and tbh I know I couldn’t live there. Sure it has one of the most prestigious beaches in America however there is nothing more.  Sure it does entail a couple more cool tourist shops. One in particular has a Flowrider within the store. If you are unaware of what a Flowrider is you can find one at the hell forsaken grounds of Kalahari.   I am not quite sure what I am seeking, but I do know that it isn’t just concrete and sand. Perhaps I am being extremely picky and even quite hard headed, however why would I pick something not fairly different from what I am use to waking up and seeing everyday? I am use to it, I wake up every day…every morning. I see the same scenery whether it be Winter or Summer.  The same faces that are closest to me share the same stories day in and out.  Their lives are stagnant and that is their choice. They refuse to go out and socialize. Give me a complete stranger, give me 15 minutes of talking to them and I can generally decide whether or not I’d like to continue.  I don’t want to make it sound like I hate talking to the people I am dear friends with.  I think I am just seeking more out of life than they.  You cannot measure it by any means. Don’t even try to measure it by societal movements and ideas either cause I’ll go off.  I hate categorization (unless we’re talking movies). Absolutely no reason for it. I try to fend off the negative vibes every day with people.  It isn’t something a weak minded individual is able to do very easily.  This is why we see some of our dearest friends disappear into the unknown.  Sure you know what they are doing…sort of.  You follow them on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram….great!  Your only interaction with the people closest to your heart is through an LCD screen.  This is semi-depressing for me. Ask the ones I am closest with. I am very transparent about my thoughts on friends I once had, very open about the friends I have yet to meet.  It’s crazy to think there are folk out there you’ve spent majority of your life with, folk that know everything about you.  Yet, you don’t talk to them nor see them anymore. A mere ghost in life, just the passing of the wind it seems like.  The real catch is if you graph it on a timeline there is very little room in which their not in your life.  I guess this is where I have been struggling. Struggling with the ability to cope with loss. What used to be isn’t exactly easily duplicated nor should it be. These memories serve me pure happiness, yet they’re my worst nightmares.  O.A.R has been lying to me all along with their bullshit of a line “Well, in the end my friend, we will all be together again”. Bunch of liars…I still like their music.

The time is now though! I am ready to explore this life. It seems as if I know very little anymore. High School was a cake walk, Going to community College and having a full-time job wasn’t to bad (I did have the pleasure of getting shingles due to stress though), and now I work full-time and pay bills…fuckin bummer.  I am grateful for the few good folk I stay in regular contact with, for my family and girlfriend, but there seems to be so much more I am missing out on.  I am tired of being reminded day in and out of who is actually there for me. Tired of being constantly let down by the people who’ve been closest to my heart all my life.  If I want to be let down I my as well be let down trying something new through new experience and opportunities.  I am tired of constantly being told that there is really no reason to seek other opportunities, that this place is just fine.  This place may be your paradise, but don’t try to justify the picture I’ve painted as a horrendous place because you’re simple minded.  This is okay, it really is, but don’t try to justify others unlike you because you’ll never understand them/me and I promise to do the same for you.  I promise to respect whatever it is you’d like to achieve in life. I also promise to let you know if I think you’re fucking up if you’re a good friend of mine. It’s called love is all. We could all use a little more of it.

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Remember these are the words of me, the words of I, and the words of everything I previously have known.



My Thumbprint

This is a poem my friend Ryan wrote and has allowed me to share it.  Enjoy!

My Thumbprint


My mom attempted suicide on my 16th birthday. She didn’t succeed.

Failures don’t fall far from the tree.

I joined the Army. While in Basic Training my dad fell off my brother, Kevin’s roof,

and has rendered him confined to a wheelchair. Kevin’s an Asshole.

In Iraq I watched my best friend killed. It was a shot to the head by a hidden sniper.

Since our return home, two more of my Army buddies died.

Nick- this past September in a motorcycle accident.

Jason- couldn’t take it anymore and killed himself in October.

Abby. Oh, Abby.  I never thought I’d ever meet my girlfriend’s boyfriend. I hope you two are happy.

I got the money back for the ring. Kay’s Jewelry has an awesome return policy.

Jail sucked. Two DUIs in six months? This isn’t me.

Being homeless was an

awful experience.I have an apartment now.

I guess you could say I’m home more. I can’t control the headaches.

I can’t sleep. I don’t even want to dream.

Worse than all this, I’m a Cleveland Browns fan.

-Ryan R.

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#FloatOn you ugly yet beautiful world!

Dating, HUH! What is it good for?


This has been on my mind lately. I am currently single for all intensive purposes. I am not in a committed relationship, engaged, or married. I am in the dating world. I do not like to date. I don’t even like the premise or idea behind it.

For me, dating has one purpose to find “the one.” I truly have been through a lot in my life and I am ready to settle down for good. I want to find that last date. I want to date the last person forever. I am not into flings, one night stands, hook ups or the like. I am not against sex, it is great. But there is so much more to a relationship than physical affection. Say you enter a relationship because the sex is awesome. What happens when (when NOT if) that starts to suck? What are you left with? NOTHING! You have to build a relationship and find attraction in your significant other in so many ways, on many different levels.

Dating is a means to an end. The ultimate end is marriage. I am not into dating 100 women 1 time. I want to date that 1 woman 100 times, and many more! I want to fall in love with her time and time again. This is where I draw the line on dating. I don’t want to date to find another person to spend more money on. I want to date to spend life with someone.

I am not trying to gloat, just tell the facts. Too many times I hear how great a gentleman I am. I  was raised to respect people and possessions and that is how I treat all people, including women, especially someone I am interested in. I don’t have this goal of getting into your pants at the first chance I get. I have a goal of winning your heart and that is located a little higher. I want that person whom I can call a true friend, possibly a best friend, hopefully the one I share my most intimate secrets with. The only one who will possible know more is my true best friend and that relationship spans 20 years and counting. Why does it seem like I feel sorry and disgusted at the sound that I am “one of a kind?” I only think I am pretty normal. But the norm now has gone way wrong. Maybe I am one of a kind! Women of the world, watch out!

I still find enjoyment in opening doors for ladies and plenty of chivalrous stuff. I am on a couple dating sites but I refuse to pay to meet someone. So far, only two [dating sites] have panned out for me for any real dates; Tinder and Plenty of Fish (POF). I constantly hear that all they (they ladies I go on dates with) hear is how awesome the guys think they are and topless gym selfies or bathroom selfies. They  want to instantly trade dirty pics and the ultimate goal of getting to bed as quick as possible. All the while their profile intentions are to find a relationship. I think they have it all wrong. I don’t think they will find what they are looking for. True, they may find someone and they may end up dating but I feel sorry for that girl if that’s the kind of guy she is willing to settle down with. I do not believe I am a gem, just unique. A good unique. I want to find someone who appreciates my uniqueness.

I went on a 3rd date with a gal recently and am starting to really like her. I have a past of falling too quickly and getting hurt very badly so I am taking this one slow. I didn’t even reach for her hand or even try for a kiss until the end of the 3rd date. That initial kiss is really something, isn’t it? So fearful but once it happens, and it’s good, man, it is a good feeling. Why is that first kiss such a daunting task? We even texted about it after the 2nd date and she asked me why I hadn’t tried yet. I don’t mind asking or answering most awkward questions so I told her I am a bit shy at first in that department. I am a very physical person and love to be close to somebody I care about, it’s just that initial move that bewilders me. Other guys aren’t like that and will go for it right off. I know that there are A LOT of emotional synapses and chemistry behind a kiss and once again once you make a good connection it can be really awesome. After that first kiss I kissed her 4 or 5 other times that night and it was awesome and the initial nerves were gone.

All in all, I feel I have to apologize to all the women out there who are single and truly looking for that next good boyfriend because if you are into online dating the good fish are slim pickens. I wish it weren’t so.

One more thought. What happened to actually going on a date. Why does it take so much effort in today’s online dating community to get a physical date with someone? Are there that many bad guys out there that you are scared to meet some guy who is interested in you and you in them? Go to a public place, drive yourself and if you don’t like it politely excuse yourself. Take a leap of faith in people! I spend so much energy in trying to get a girl to go out it’s almost painful. Who knows maybe this current girl will be the last one I have to worry about for a while? Things seem to be going in a positive direction. She is intrigued by me and visa versa. I am interested in seeing where it goes. I have cut all other ties and communication with other girls for now to focus on this one. Here goes something new, maybe..