I change shapes just to hide in this place

Tonight’s blog is going to be a bit different from the ones I have done in the past. Tonight I will be taking some of my favorite lyrics taken from songs and just offering my thoughts on them. I am a HUGE lyric person. Well written songs move me, you know the ones that give you goosebumps the first time you hear them. I don’t know why, however many #ModestMouse have the ability to do this to me.

The first song here is “Lives” by #ModestMouse

“Everyone’s afraid of their own lives
If you could be anything you want
I bet you’d be disappointed, am I right?
Am I right? And it’s our lives
It’s hard to remember, it’s hard to remember
We’re alive for the first time
It’s hard to remember were alive for the last time
It’s hard to remember, it’s hard to remember
To live before you die
It’s hard to remember, it’s hard to remember
That our lives are such a short time
It’s hard to remember, it’s hard to remember
When it takes such a long time
It’s hard to remember, it’s hard to remember”

This one is quite simple for me tbh. I often have asked myself “what the fuck” am I doing? As if it was only I asking this on a daily basis. The older I have gotten I’ve realized everyone is just winging it on a day-to-day basis and they and I am completely okay with it. Some people are so absorbed and addicted to structure it drives me nuts, however at the same time isn’t exactly “living”. Then again who the hell am I say what “living” entails? I can tell you this I’ve had some amazing adventurous times in my day that have been completely sporadic with the infamous notion of “NO Fucks Given” agenda. If your day-to-day itinerary has had no fears behind said task I highly advise you loosen up a bit. It truly is hard to remember that our lives are such a short time. Fuck the public’s opinion and pre-written agenda they have for everything. It’s annoying, it’s weight bearing and tbh I don’t want any part of it.

The second song here is “Memories Remain” by #DropkickMurphys

“The times have changed
but friends remain
my heart and souls with you
cause one things for sure
I always swore id never turn my back on you
Times were tough but the memories remain
situations rough but together we overcame
side by side one for all together we grew
cause when all is said and done ill remember friends like you”

This one I am finding more truth in on a daily basis at this point. The key line being “i’ll remember friends like you”. For whatever reason it’s only taking me to the age of 29 to truly start noticing a dissipation in my friends. From being really close up to 2 years ago to fading out with time till this day. It’s weird to think about, but most are just trying to better themselves. I don’t see where the total cut-off of hanging out comes into play, but to each their own. I know where my loyalty stands and for whatever reason and however many times I get fucked over i’ll never turn my back on them. It’s sorta just who I am. Growing up I’ve always had to be extremely loyal to get my sisters and family to stick together. The broken household norm of America struck my sisters and I young and I’ve never looked back, challenge accepted.  It’s hard enough knowing that your part of a major statistical grouping, so why not fight it and make it work. I’ve never stopped fighting for it.

The last and final song here is “In This Diary” by the Ataris

“Being grown up isn’t half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters
is just following your heart
and eventually you’ll finally get it right.”

Every birthday here on out sucks just a little more.  People can’t come out because their significant other doesn’t want to, they have a kid, or just plain out don’t care anymore. It’s rather depressing. I know of two people that are just doing what they want day in and out and living life. It’s crazy how so many people find this to be a taboo lifestyle.  If you are not truly happy living your life what the fuck are you doing here? What the fuck are you doing with yourself? Better yet…WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? (please insert stereotypical answer). I read a post today:  “I used to care about what people thought about me, until one day I tried to pay my bills with their opinions.” Couldn’t of said this any better myself.  Follow your heart in everything you do. If you’re not following your heart seriously wtf are you doing? I am truly sorry if you feel as if your being pressured to be married/have kids/settle down/ buy a house….tbh that shit is for the birds, it’ll take place in time. Life isn’t race or competition. I know plenty of good people that get by day to day just fine. The don’t need the luxuries most of us crave and for the most part I envy them. You see “growing up” was the easy part the hard part Im assuming is figuring out when you’re “grown up”. Perhaps I never want to. That’s fine with me and I don’t need approval from you nor anyone else at this point. My bills are paid monthly so what are you honestly going to say to me?  It just saddens me every single day I wake that I KNOW of certain people just giving up on life, people I use to be extremely close to in my day. Great people that are capable of having fun no matter what they do. Society has swallowed the whole……I feel for them I really do.

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Remember these are the words of me, the words of I, and the words of everything I previously have known.


But one time out of ten, everything is perfect for us all.

First and foremost I would strongly like to apologize for my lack of post in the past 2 weeks. I have had an extreme amount of weight on my shoulders and I tend to share most of it with you in good time seeing how this is an exit for me anymore.  Today is

“November 8th” (it was when I started writing this) dead center in the Scorpio season. I am proudly one of these and I do withhold many of these aspects.  We are not here to talk about this however, but to embrace my birthday. Why are we embracing this you may ask? Well some of the Scorpio aspects I withhold dearly cause me to question the things I do day in and out.

The thing about friendship these days is that nobody actually believes in it anymore. They like to think they believe in it and funny thing is they think they are loyal by all means. Sadly mistaken often they are.  I turned 29 years old today and my loyalty to my friends hasn’t changed since I met them 15 years ago.

Apparently its a big deal to get the group together these days to celebrate the birth of anyone. No, I am not talking about me in general, however I am talking about all of my  friends. I don’t get it.   Am I wrong for missing and caring for them so much when they return no favor?  I dont know you tell me?  The loyalty I proclaim is often not believed, but it’s okay.  I contacted many “friends” for this Saturday night that fell on November 8th and without regard received absolutely no responses and tbh I think I get it.  I honestly think I understand what my father was telling me all about 6 years ago.  Friends aren’t here to stay.  These days I am interpreting that as the “loyalty” is not here to stay, but the “friendship” is.   “Blood makes you related and loyalty makes you family” .

The people that would’ve been here 5 years ago are doing absolutely nothing more than what they were doing 5 years ago and were still unable to make it, however its the times. We can all blame the times. The times have been killing us for some years now.  It’s time we wake up from the Utopian lifestyle many of us lived in.  Believe you me, I don’t plan on waking up.  Tbh I honestly plan on leaving this area by next summer. It’s cool though…after I have told several of my plans (dreams) to some of my friends they’ve responded with “you dont want to leave here”, “you’ll move back in 5 years”..etc. THANKS! Thank you my “friends” for really supporting me through my endeavors. I will be damned If I am caught up with your complacency around here and I do apologize but I’ve had enough of it.  I’ve had enough of seeing the people I care most about unhappy with their lives and feel they are stuck. I am tired of not being able to help my closest friends as I watch them go into a spiral downfall.   I am sorry we couldn’t of been family.


Remember these are the words of me, the words of I, and the words of everything I previously have known.