I’ve always had a knack for writing my thoughts down much better than I’ve been able to speak them. Perhaps it’s the comfort of the clear blank page. Perhaps it’s the idea that the page isn’t able to judge me for what I write down and say. Perhaps it’s the idea that I can speak freely without being interrupted from people asking what and why. It’s just been something I’ve always enjoyed as well. I guess you could say its been somewhat of an escape from reality for me. Just a way to release I suppose, whether you’re up or down when you wake in the morning you’re back to zero. Writing has been a strong influence for bringing me up when I am down and pushing me higher when I am up. Music has also been a huge provider in that category, but I am sure you’ve figured that out by now. This post is going to be a little different than my previous writings. I want to dedicate this one to “Mah Lady”. I’ve been wanting to blog about our engagement for awhile now and I haven’t been to public about it. It’s just sort of not my thing and it’s a terrible excuse that I know. I thought I could dedicate a blog to her however so here it goes.
To Mah Lady:
“I’d like to start off by saying that I am sorry. I am sorry for the shape you found me in. I am sorry for any tear that’s been shed over me. I am sorry I was so broken when you gave me a chance 3 years ago. I am sorry it’s taken as long as it did for me to understand that there is more to life than pain beyond the walls I’ve built to keep me safe. I am sorry I didn’t recognize your genuine care and love you had for me for so long. I am sorry I didn’t even bother looking for it, because I was scared of getting hurt. I am sorry I didn’t understand that I was able to love happily again for so long. I am sorry I don’t let you know how beautiful you are to me daily. This world moves to fast and sometimes I forget what I have in front of me. I am sorry I often sweat things that in the long run don’t really matter. I am sorry that I don’t let you know how much your smile cures me on the daily and I am sorry it’s took so long for me to figure all this out.
I want to thank you. I want to thank you for giving me a chance 3 years ago. I want to thank you for believing in us when I was lost. I want to thank you for being one of the kindest, most unselfish human beings I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting, better yet..loving. I want to thank you for being patient with me when most would’ve thrown me aside. I want to thank you for working so hard day in and out because you think you have to prove something to me, but you really don’t. I want to thank you for respecting me for who I am, where I came from and what I’ve been through. I want to thank you for accepting my flaws when I had a hard time accepting some of yours. I want to thank you for always pushing forward when you could’ve easily gave up. I want to thank you for showing me that no matter what you were determined to be by my side even if I tried to push away. I want to thank you for showing me that love really did exist beyond my barriers and I want to thank you for the opportunity for me to one day call you my wife.
I know now. I know how much you mean to me. I know to recognize what I have in front of me. I know to no longer question if there is anything else. I know that you’re my best friend. I know to never leave without telling you I love you. I know I can’t fall asleep without saying goodnight to you. I know I can’t bring myself to leave the house without giving you a kiss. I know how much I am grateful for your shoulder to lean on in rough times. I know that I can tell you anything and you’ll offer me advice I can count on. I know now that you’ve been the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. I know that I need to continue to support you just as much as you support me and I know I need to continue to love you unconditionally the same as you do me.
What you may have not known. The day I asked you to be my wife back in December was the first day of the rest of my life. I can think about it at any given time and it will push a smile through the darkest clouds. I call you “Mah Lady” because you are my queen, without you I am no king. My favorite movie to watch with you is “UP” and “Perks of being a Wallflower”. UP reminds me of the love we have for one another and “Perks of being a Wallflower” reminds me of the acceptance we have for one another regardless of how weird we can be. The friendship we’ve built over the past 3 years I’ve spent the better part of my life searching for. You have one of the biggest caring hearts out of everyone I’ve ever met and it shows through your care for others. I look forward to seeing you walk down the aisle come October 8th. I’ll be standing in awe, in confusion. Asking myself how did I ever get so lucky?
I am sorry for who I’ve been. I want to thank you for showing me. I know now who I need to be and I hope you know who I intend to be.
I love you. I love you more than the words above can describe.”
I have been contemplating on submitting this for awhile now and I got to thinking about it. I started to think “What the fuck do I care what others think about what I write?” Sorry, but I really did. I more or less want to put forth whats on my mind and what I believe in and don’t need acceptance to do so. To the people that may read this I ask you of this. I may not be very good with words, but I am good with putting my thoughts down on blank pages. They may not sound very good to you, but I do believe it’s important for others to get a grasp of what you believe in and feel. It really is something that catches on with others. I urge you to write something you believe in or feel strongly about. Let me know and I can post it on my page with your name or anonymously.
Title of blog is lyrics from: Atherton – California
Remember these are the words of me, the words of I, and the words of everything I previously have known.
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